Are you a polyamorous? or are you in a polyamorous relationship?
Polyamorous people have multiple loving, intentional, and intimate relationships at the same time.
Today I'm going to be talking about the four major types of polyamorous relationship or Poly relationship.
So, first I have a little disclaimer because I'm going to make a lot of generalizations in this blog. If I didn't, this would probably turn into a documentary and that's not why any of us are here so I'm going to keep it brief.
There's a lot of overlap between the four different polyamorous relationship types that I plan to discuss. Suffice it to say, everyone who practices poly relationship or polyamorous relationship, does it in their own way, their interpersonal connections are going to be as unique as the people in them. That said, I decided to narrow everything down to,
Four major polyamorous relationship types
1. 'Primary partner plus others' approach
2. 'Group approach'
3. 'Egalitarian network' approach
4. 'solo' approach.
1. Primary partner plus others - polyamorous relationship type
In the primary partner plus others type, you are in one main relationship and then you have other connections beyond that central relationship.
For example, Let's say that Olivia and Kanna are married. They're primary partners. They own a house together. When holidays roll around, it's just a given that they're going to spend them together, most likely with their families of origin. Olivia and Kanna probably link to each other on social media, and it's just a given that, of course, they would link to each other and not their other partners, because they're primaries. And, of course, if one of them took a job in another location they would just move together. There's not really any question about that. Olivia and Kanna have built a life together 'their lives are entwined' and they don't have any plans or any intention of ever doing that with anyone else.
In this example, Olivia's also dating Rosa. And they really like each other. They might even be on the path to falling in love. Every week they go on a date together. That day is set aside just for them and they have so much fun. They're happy with where their relationship is, and it's not just that, it's kind of by design. Olivia and Kanna are primary partners, so Olivia and Rosa don't do those primary partner things. They don't automatically spend their family holidays together. They wouldn't automatically move together if someone took a job in another location. That doesn't mean they don't care about each other, it's just a different kind of relationship.
In this example, Kanna also has a girlfriend named Eva. They've been together for three years, they are totally in love, they're so cute together, everyone sees them lasting for the long haul. But they're still not primary partners. They aren't getting married either. They're not gonna live together. They're not gonna have kids together. They're not gonna do any of the things that Olivia and Kanna have committed to doing with each other.
2. Group approach in polyamorous relationship types
In the group approach, a person might be engaged in a relationship with multiple people in the same relationship.
for example, Olivia and Kanna might be in a relationship together with Rosa. Now, to be clear, in this example, there are actually four relationships within this triad. the relationship between each individual person with each other individual person, as well as the group dynamic or the group relationship. A lot of the time, when people hear the word, "polyamory" they think of these group relationships. Personally, I've actually never had or pursued a relationship like this, but they definitely happen.
3. Egalitarian network approach in polyamorous relationship types
In the egalitarian network approach, No one relationship is centered as the main relationship in a person's life. That doesn't mean that none of the relationships reach the same level of commitment and involvement as, say, like a primary partnership, because they definitely do. It just means that no one relationship is considered the "main" one. The best way I've found to describe this kind of polyamory to people who aren't familiar with it is to compare it to platonic friendship.
Most likely, even if you have one or two really close friendships already, you're able to go out and meet new people and develop really close, long-term friendships with those new people as well. The fact that there are pre-existing close friendships doesn't preclude that with new people.
So, for people who approach polyamory in this egalitarian network way approach romantic relationships no differently than the way I just described platonic friendship. So, you could have an entire life built with someone and that doesn't mean that you can't also have that with someone else.
Using the people from our examples, Olivia and Kanna are in a long-term, serious relationship. Then Olivia is also in a long-term, serious relationship with Rosa. And then Kanna is in a long-term, serious relationship with Eva. Maybe Eva is in long-term, serious relationships with other people as well, and so on. Now, that doesn't mean that every single relationship in a network of relationships is exactly the same and has the exact same level of intimacy and commitment. That never happens. But it does mean that any relationship you have could reach that level, if you guys decide that that's what you want.
This is actually the approach to polyamory that I take and I've often said that it wouldn't make sense for me to say that I'm in "a" polyamorous relationship, because I don't have one central relationship that determines whether or not I am polyamorous. I'm the one who has decided that I am going to approach relationships polyamorously, and I find partners who feel the same way about themselves. Every single person in my network of romantic relationships has chosen polyamory for themselves.
In this approach, it's really not uncommon to find people building their lives with multiple people. So this could look a lot of different ways. It could look like a multi-adult household with an entire polyamorous network living in one house. It could look like an individual deciding with their partners that they want to build a life with each of their partners, but none of their partners want to live with each other, so they end up building a home with multiple different people. Obviously, these various approaches aren't for everyone, which is why there are so many different ways to approach polyamory.
4. Solo approach in polyamorous relationship types
The last approach I'm going to talk about is the solo approach. And on the surface, it looks a lot like the egalitarian network approach, specifically in the sense that each individual person decides how to engage in their relationships with other people and no one central relationship determines the shape of other relationships.
That said, most people who practice solo polyamory approach it from the angle of never coupling up. So, they don't couple up with one central relationship like in a primary relationship or in one central group relationship but neither do they couple up with many different people. They are in relationships, but they maintain the identity of a solo individual.
That may mean that they actively identify as single even if they're in multiple romantic relationships, or it might just mean that the way they structure their lives and the way they approach talking about their lives is more centered on the individual rather than centering couplehood or family. Most people who practice solo polyamory choose to never marry--legally or otherwise-- and they never choose to live with anyone. This is actually becoming pretty common even with monogamy and can sometimes be called "living apart together."
Again, I really can't emphasize enough that I've way oversimplified all of these approaches, being polyamorous and polyamory in general. All people are complex, all relationships are complex, and in reality, most people end up with a combination of these different approaches in their lives. And frankly, people grow, people change, people get older, The way they approach relationships of any kind, polyamorous or monogamous, can change over time as well.
I've chosen the egalitarian network approach for myself because one of the best parts of relationships for me is building a life with other people and building a home together but that's definitely not true for everyone. There are some people who find that whole process exhausting and really unappealing whether it's with one people or multiple people, they just don't want any part of it.
And that's fine!
There are ways to approach relationships that are as diverse as the people involved in them. The best approach to relationships, whether they're polyamorous or monogamous, is the approach that leads to the well-being and happiness of everyone involved. That's never going to be the same across any set of people.
So, if you're polyamorous, tell me down in the comments which of these four approaches is closest to the one that you take. And let me know if that has changed over time or if you think it might change in the future. And if you're monogamous, let me know if you can think of any non-traditional approaches to monogamy that might appeal to you.
Have you decided to approach your monogamous relationship in a way that other people might look at a little funny but works really well for you and your partner? I would love to hear about it. I hope all of your relationships are fulfilling and continue to grow.
Read this book on polyamorous relationship.