In this blog I'm going to talk about 8 things that I think people should know about polyamory.
My intent with this blog is to explain to people who are either unfamiliar with polyamory or have perhaps limited exposure, limited understanding about polyamory, and/or anyone who is familiar with polyamory but maybe wants a blog, a resource to be able to send to friends and loved ones if they start asking questions about polyamory.
There are some common concepts that often come up in early discussions about polyamory that I thought maybe this might help clarify.
So what is polyamory?
Well, the easiest and quickest way to define it would be having or being open to having more than one committed romantic relationship at the same time. It has to be with the full consent and knowledge of everyone involved.
"Polyamory is just an excuse to cheat"
So if you are cheating on your partner, you're going behind their back, you are being deceptive, that isn't polyamory. I would say this is the number-one misconception about polyamory, that it's just an excuse to cheat. But if everyone, again, is happy with the situation, then how is it cheating?
Polyamory vs. open relationship
There are a few other concepts that get conflated with polyamory as well. One of those is "open relationship." Now polyamory can sometimes be a manifestation of an open relationship, but let's talk about what an open relationship is in order to distinguish the difference.
So an open relationship, this phrase, it describes a specific relationship, right? So you might have two people in a relationship, or three people or more, and those people are engaging in an open relationship. And what that means is that one or more of the people involved is free to go seek out additional romantic or sexual relationships. If you think about a relationship being a building, a home perhaps, and there being a front door, in open relationships that front door is open. People can come and go from the actual relationship itself.
If a relationship is closed, you know, you close that front door, no new additional people can enter that relationship. So neither person involved, or none of the people involved, are going to seek out or be receptive to additional romantic or sexual connections. A closed relationship can happen in polyamory.
So this is why open relationship and polyamory aren't always the same thing and don't always go hand-in-hand. A closed relationship in polyamory could easily look like three people being in a relationship together or more than three, but we'll say three and those three people are polyamorous because there's more than two people involved in that relationship. But, for the sake of this example, that relationships is nevertheless closed because those three people have made a commitment to that relationship between the three of them and all of them have agreed not to pursue or be receptive to any other romantic or sexual connections.
Polyamory vs. swinging
Another concept that's frequently conflated with polyamory is swinging.
So, swinging is when you have a--usually a couple, but any relationship, where the relationship is open, and specifically it's open to playing with additional physical intimacy, you know, seeking out other sexual partners. It's not where you seek out additional romantic partners.
Versus, you know, playing with people outside of the relationship in a sexual capacity or other physical capacity. That, specifically, is swinging. And while polyamory can involve having physical intimacy with people outside of any given relationship, it isn't just about physical intimacy, whereas swinging typically is. I'm going to talk a little bit more about that later in this blog.
Polyamory vs. polygamy
The one term that I want to cover that gets conflated with polyamory is polygamy. A lot of people are familiar with the term or the concept of polygamy because there are religions or religious sects that practice polygamy, and that's most commonly where it's found, is in religions.
And usually it means there's one man and he has multiple wives. An argument could certainly be made that polygamy is a form of polyamory, and I wouldn't really disagree with that. But if you meet someone and the say they're polyamorous, that in no way suggests that they are polygamous.
Polyamory is for anyone, any type of person.
The next thing that I want to convey about polyamory is that polyamory is for anyone. And that might be obvious, but I say that because of course, like with anything else, there are stereotypes and common things that people associate with polyamory that may or may not be applicable to any given polyamorous person.
You can practice polyamory if you're straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, or any other orientation. You can practice polyamory no matter what your background is, no matter what kind of family you come from, no matter what your political leanings might be.
I know that there's certainly the assumption that people who practice polyamory, given it's not a mainstream practice, would be left-leaning. And it certainly is true that most people that I've personally met in polyamory are left-leaning, if not very far left-leaning. However, I have also met people who lean just a little bit right of center or who are quite far on the right-hand side of things. And, of course, anything in-between.
The point being, if you learn that someone is polyamorous, you haven't necessarily learned much else about them other than the fact that they are polyamorous. I don't think it's safe to assume where they fall on the political spectrum, or what kind of background they have or what their interests are, or their religion. There's a lot of tongue-in-cheek joking within the polyamorous community about the bisexual, kinky, polyamorous, pagan, gamer. And that's because it is common to find this sort of constellation of traits in a given person within polyamory. But there are plenty of people who fall well outside any one of those traits.
Polyamory isn’t innately about physical gratification.
The third thing is that polyamory isn't innately about physical gratification. This is an extremely common misconception about polyamory, that anyone who would engage in polyamory is really only looking to sate some sort of sexual appetite. That can certainly happen, don't get me wrong; I've met plenty of people who are primarily in it for that. But there are many, many others who aren't.
Polyamory is differentiated from swinging, as I mentioned before, by the fact that it is mostly focused on developing deep and meaningful romantic relationships, not just dalliances. Not that there's anything wrong with that between consenting adults, but it is important to understand that just because someone might tell you they're polyamorous doesn't mean that they're extremely active sexually, that they're always looking for new physical intimacy partners, or that that's why they became polyamorous. It's not really safe to assume any of these things. Frankly about anyone, but certainly not because they've shared with you what their relationship structure is.
Asexual and celibate people can practice polyamory, too.
That includes understanding that asexual people and celibate people exist and do have romantic relationships, and because they can and do have romantic relationships, some of those romantic relationships could easily be polyamorous. Asexual people and celibate people practice polyamory.
Now, if you're wondering how you can have a romantic relationship without sexual activity, that's a little bit beyond the scope of this video and I can certainly make a video on that at some point, but in short, just think for a moment about any romantic relationship that you might've had over the course of your life. Is there anything other than sexuality that differentiates those relationships from your friends? Maybe for you there really isn't, and that's fine.
But for many, many people, including people who are sexually active, the sexual component of a romantic relationship isn't the one and only thing that makes it romantic. So yes, don't assume anything about a polyamorous person just because they are polyamorous. Get to know them as an individual just as you would anyone else.
Just because someone is polyamorous doesn’t mean they’re available.
Just because someone is polyamorous doesn't mean they're available. Much like "open relationship" and polyamory aren't the same thing, any given individual being open to new relationships, new romantic or sexual connections, is not the same thing as being polyamorous.
Maybe you are, at any given moment, what people call "polysaturated," which means that you have the maximum number of partners that you can personally pay attention to, nourish, really reasonably grow and attend to at that point in your life. And of course, that number is different for everyone. Some people are saturated at one partner and that is more or less why they are functionally monogamous even if they're in theory okay with polyamory I think I kind of fall into that category. Other people polysaturate at two partners or three, and it often depends on how much involvement is involved in each relationship.
Of course, a polyamorous person may not be available for dating and new relationships for any number of reasons. Maybe they just don't feel like going through all of that right now. Perhaps their job is really demanding right now, or they know they're about to move out of state in the next six months and they don't really want to do short-term. There're so many reasons why someone might not be available.
No two polyamorous situations are the same.
This one might be obvious, but I still feel that it's worth mentioning. Which is that no two polyamorous situations are the same. Maybe at some point you've run into someone who's polyamorous, you've gotten to know them, and their polyamory looks a particular way. And then you walk away from that conversation thinking, "Okay, that's how polyamory works." I would discourage you from doing that though because polyamory works however the people involved decide that it's going to work. And maybe one set of polyamorous people, it's extremely dysfunctional and they're miserable, and they don't talk to each other with much kindness, and then the next set of polyamorous people that you meet are are in a flourishing situation, everyone is pursuing their dreams and has healthy relationships.
Clearly, it can go many different directions. As well as the structure itself. Maybe one set of polyamorous people is in a closed triad like I've mentioned, and maybe another one is sort of this loosely-connected network of relationship anarchists. This is also where I want to point out that no matter how many polyamorous people you've met, if most of them or all of them have been miserable, or most of them or all of them have been very happy, that in no way suggests that polyamory is innately responsible for making people miserable or happy.
After all, if you've known many monogamous couples who are miserable or who went through horrible, abusive breakups, I assume you probably don't blame monogamy for that because they were monogamous. And similarly, I would encourage you not to automatically blame polyamory for whatever dysfunction you might witness in polyamorous people that you might meet. It's possible that polyamory could aggravate issues that people have. Issues in communication, issues in empathy and compassion. But it isn't innately a quality of polyamory that people are going to be dysfunctional.
Just like if you meet some monogamous people who have extremely dysfunctional relationships, presumably you don't blame monogamy. Once again, always think about individual situations on their own. But a little caveat here: It is absolutely true that if you for yourself against your better judgment to engage in polyamory or to engage in monogamy, that decision can lead to unhappiness because you're not listening to yourself and your own needs. But once again, that would happen with any decision that isn't listening to your own needs. Anything that you're doing purely because you've been pressured into it and not because it's something that you want that does stand a high chance of leading to unhappiness no matter what kind of thing we're talking about.
Polyamory often involves sacrifice.
The next one is that polyamory often involves sacrifice. It's common to hear polyamorous people say that the potential for love is infinite but time and energy are not. And it's said frequently because it's extremely relevant to polyamory.
Fundamentally, time and energy are finite resources and you have to decide how you want to allocate those. Maybe you have a full life and you have a partner that you're really happy with, you have hobbies and interests that light you up, friends that you adore, and a job that is fulfilling, and you know, pretty much every day you wake up and you have plenty to do from dawn to dusk. And then you decide you want to practice polyamory. Well, I would ask you:
Where are you going to get the time and energy that you're going to pour into these new relationships? I certainly don't say that to discourage anyone, but I do think it's a very, very important consideration before delving into polyamory.
Or even if you have already been polyamorous, I think it's important to consider before delving into a new relationship.
Are that time and energy going to come from your job?
Are you going to cut back hours?
Are you going to engage in your hobbies and interests less?
Are you going to engage in self-care a little less, like you're not going to work out as much, you won't meditate as much, maybe you don't go to church as many days of the week as you have been, maybe you're not going to see your friends as often.
Any one of these decisions is entirely up to you, but often when people are face with the reality of making so much space in their life for a new person, they realize that something has to give and they don't necessarily want to give up any of the things that are already in their life. It can be a bit of a conundrum. So I would encourage you to really consider this and reflect on it when deciding whether to engage in polyamory and/or when deciding whether to add another partner to your life.
Jealousy and compersion are common, but neither is ubiquitous.
Jealousy and compersion are both common in polyamory, but neither is ubiquitous. So, the first question most people ask polyamorous people when they learn that they're polyamorous is, "Don't you get jealous?" or, "What about jealousy?" And personally, I think that question isn't really the important question. I think it's more important to consider what emotional turmoil might come up for a person, whether it's jealousy or something completely different. And specifically, how does that person and how do the people involved navigate that emotional turmoil?
That's really the more important question. But I do think that most people ask polyamorous people about jealousy mostly out of curiosity, because perhaps for them the thought of polyamory makes them automatically jealous at the thought of their partner being with someone else. So it's natural that they would then want to hear some insights from someone else on whether they even feel jealous and if they do, how they manage it. Jealousy isn't universal.
Not everyone who practices polyamory feels jealous or is inclined toward jealousy. Typically these people also aren't terribly jealous in other areas of their life either. They don't typically get very professionally jealous, they don't typically get possessive of their friends. Things like that. However, jealousy is common within polyamory because it's common within human beings. And if you've ever been kind of jealous that your friend seems to be spending more time with their new friend that they met at work than they're spending with you, then there ya go. That is the kind of jealousy that might come up in polyamory very, very easily. But any given individual is different from the next, so really it's not a question of whether polyamorous people get jealous, but maybe that person does or doesn't.
Similarly, compersion is common but not universal. And compersion, for those who don't know what that is, is basically just feeling happy feelings when you are aware of or you witness your partner being happy with someone else or interacting with someone else. Specifically a romantic partner. So if I see my partner holding the hand of their other partner and I feel warm and fuzzy inside when I see it, that's compersion. The thing about compersion is it's really not required to be happy in polyamory.
Compersion can make thing a little easier depending on the situation, but it's also perfectly fine to actually not really be able to feel compersion or not be inclined to feel it. You can feel just sort of neutral about your partner's other relationships. Maybe you're, you know, you're happy that they're happy but you don't necessarily get a bunch of butterflies and happy feelings when you see them together. You're just fine with it, and that's really as far as it goes. That's okay. It doesn't all need to be sparkles and fireworks 24/7. I want to make it super clear that if you don't experience compersion but you wish you did, just know there's nothing wrong with you. You're not failing at polyamory. You're not lacking something. It's just fine. It's fine if you don't experience it. Don't beat yourself up.
Polyamory is neither more nor less enlightened than monogamy.
Finally, polyamory is neither more nor less enlightened than monogamy. It is extremely common to hear people kind of admire polyamorous people like, "Wow, you've risen above all these petty human jealousies!" "Humans are meant to be polyamorous." "Wow, that's so amazing." And that's very kind, but I respectfully disagree. I think that polyamory is just a way to structure your relationships. It's not a path to enlightenment or awakening. It's just, yeah, it's just a way to structure your relationships. It's not loftier than monogamy, nor is it beneath monogamy.
It's just a choice that you might make for yourself and for your life. After all, this is why on my blog I'm always encouraging people to just reflect on questions, consider concepts, to come to their own conclusions about what they want for themselves and for their relationships. I am not invested in you or anyone else being polyamorous.
I want you and everyone to just find what makes you feel fulfilled. What ignites your soul. What makes you feel like you can look back on your life and see a life well-lived. If polyamory is part of that, okay. If monogamy is part of that, okay. These are just choices. They're not more or less enlightened than anything else you might do in your life that involves structuring your life a particular way.
There you go. I hope that you feel a little more familiar with what polyamory means, broadly speaking, of course. If there's more that you want to know, by all means, ask questions down in the comments and I or some of the other viewers would be happy to answer. And if you're curious about additional ideas and concepts and issues that come in polyamory, feel free to check out other blog post here.